I was exiting the highway on Friday and trying to merge across three lanes of traffic when my kids start chanting:

“Taco Bell, Taco Bell, Taco Bell, Taco Bell”

Me, “no, we just had Taco Bell on Tuesday.”

We stopped at a stoplight…

“Mango whip, Mango whip, Mango whip”

I ignored the request hoping it would go away.

Eyeing a mile of stop and go ahead of us, they continue…

“Winchell’s! Winchell’s! Winchell’s!”

Ahhh, my stomach suddenly wanted donuts! And no, I knew it didn’t honor my nutritional values and showing our bodies love.

The chant went on and on as we passed one chain after another.

This is nearly a daily occurrence for my kids.

You might think I would get frustrated by the constant nagging and asking when I’ve told them a hundred times, “no.”

The truth is, I used to.

Each time my kids asked for a toy at the toy store, an ice cream cone, or a treasure from the museum gift shop, I would fill with a sense of dread, and I would question myself.

Am I being too mean? Am I giving in too easily? Am I being permissive? Will they end up entitled?

If they cried, yelled, fought, or whined enough, I thought that whatever they asked for was so important to them I should honor their opinion and do what they asked if I could.

If I did hold my boundary, it was with a knot in my stomach. I would get grumpy, snippy, and angry often resulting in temper-tantrum by my kids and me alike!

So why is it so triggering to say no to our kids? Here are some possibilities:

🦋 We can hold residual feelings in our body from when our parents told us no, and it didn’t honor our values or needs as a child.

🦋 As a child, if we were taught that big feelings were something to fear instead of something to embrace, we will do almost anything to avoid our children’s big feelings.

🦋 Or maybe when we told our parents, “no,” as a child, they didn’t honor our no, so it doesn’t feel safe, and we don’t feel empowered.

I grew my confidence through coaching and learned to set boundaries with love.

Instead of feeling frustrated and distant, I actually feel gratitude for my children’s daily practice of nagging. It allows me to strengthen my relationship with myself, my children, our values, and our voices.

Here are some ways you can feel more confident and strengthen your boundaires:

🌈 Clarify the purpose of the boundary. What purpose is the boundary serving for each person involved? What, if any, are the deeper purposes?

🌈 Create compassion and grow resilience for the inner child that still hurts when it senses conflict.

🌈 Identify the hurt and hold compassion for the person with whom you want to set the boundary so you can set it in a gentle way and are prepared to provide empathy if it is needed.

These are learnable skills and when you integrate the skills, you can set boundaries more decisively in the moment. As a coach, I can help you gain these skills faster and with more clarity.

When you put the skills together, setting boundaries feels easier, more fluid, and loving for both you and the other person.

It creates closer, more trusting, and more connected relationships for everyone involved, adults and children alike.

If you are ready to take action and make boundary-setting in your family less stressful and more loving, reach out today for an Insight Call to discover the next steps.

In Light and Love,
❤️ Holly